The Right Reasons...

I find it fitting that the inspiration for this blog came from a long time, cherished friend. Especially considering she's one of the first people I ever met that saw me for who I was, accepted me for that, and then helped me become more confident in who I was becoming as I lost weight and went through one of my most emotional, physically draining times (freshman year...ugh).

Up until I left high school, I was always overweight. Not necessarily fat (I could keep up for the most part in gym, and I loved swimming) but definitely not at my ideal weight for my body. I alternated between being oblivious to my weight and quite happy with how I looked, to severe bouts of anxiety, self loathing, and emotional depression. Those particularly hard moments in time were usually in direct correlation to visits from family, or conversations with people held in very high regard. Somehow though, I managed to muddle thru. I went to college, walked every where, ate salads, and Subway, and by the time I got back home, I'd lost fifty pounds, had no clue, and was struggling with the new attention it brought, and the new expectations.

The next seven years of my life would be one massive emotional rollercoaster that would see my weight go from dangerous (2002, when I nearly passed out from not eating) to comfortably stable ('03 to '05, where I admitted I was skinnier than I gave myself credit for), to...blah. I didn't appreciate what was happening inside my skin, didn't acknowledge the work - or lack thereof - it took to look the way I did, and what it would take to maintain that weight.

Now that I'm back in California, and life has stabilized out for me, I've found that I've returned to the weight I once was, before I ever left. Or at the very least, damn close to it. I'm sure as shit aware now of how skinny I once was, and how very much I didn't appreciate it, or what it took to keep it. And I'm finding that I have my good days (I'm not THAT overweight) and my bad days (turn off ALL the lights, leave me alone while I wallow in my misery). It helps that I have an amazing guy who loves me for who I am, and how I look, and tells me every day that he'd hate it if I looked like a stick figure. He appreciates curves, which is swell, seeing as how I've got plenty of those! ;) But, poor guy, he can talk until he's blue in the face and I still look in the mirror and am less than thrilled with what I see.

Its all been a learning process for me, a journey I think I needed to go through in order to better appreciate what I want out of my body. I'm honest enough, at this point, to admit that I don't like where I am, weight wise, right now. There are things that jiggle than shouldn't. On that same note though, I also have to admit that I never really appreciated my body for what it was. I'm me, and I have to accept that before I can change it. I'll always jiggle in some areas. And I'm not twenty any more, with the twenty year old skin and muscle tone, etc. I'll be thirty soon, and I have to admit that my body's changing. So I have to change my mentality with it. I've gone from "I want to be skinny like the models" to "I want to be HEALTHY." Which is huge.

I don't want to be a specific weight anymore. I just want to be fit. I want to fit in my skin, be comfortable, and, above all, happy. Which isn't a figure, or a jean size, or a set of measurements I'll never reach (I actually have hips, which I love!). It's a feeling inside, that when I look in the mirror, I don't cringe. And when my friends and I head out to the beach, I don't sit under the umbrella in my sundress and refuse to walk around in a bathing suit. It's confidence, and love for who I am, how I am, and self worth. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to lose the weight. But I'm not starving myself because of some old, fucked up notion. I'm working towards teaching myself how to lose weight the right way, and what it's going to take to maintain it, and all that goes with that.

I'm altering my lifestyle so I live healthier. I'm doing this because I want to be healthier. I read my friend's blog, and I see what she's going through to a small degree, and I think...exactly. Exactly! She's focusing on her health, and the weight's an added bonus. I need to focus on my happiness, my lifestyle, my health, and the weight will be an added bonus. This journey I'm about to embark on isn't to be skinny. It's to be healthy. Its for the right reasons this time. And this time...it's gonna last.