Do you accept responsibility for your choices in life?

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny. - Albert Ellis

I shouldn't be surprised by this journal topic. It's not old news for me. Since the first day I could comprehend more than two words strung together, my dad's been pounding this same concept into my head. Everything you do is a choice. Everything that happens to you is a choice. Sometimes, it leads to ugly thoughts (sure, he cheated on you, but you made the choice to let it happen. Yeah...not a super comfortable thought process to go through when you're hurting), and sometimes it leads to a soothing acceptance that lets you breathe easier. Most times, its just something that hovers in the back of my mind, a nebulous concept, all hazy and difficult to fully appreciate.

That being said, NO, I don't think I've taken responsibility for my choices. Not in the ways it matters, anyways. The weight I'm at right now? I know exactly how I got here. Fast food breakfasts, and pizza for dinner; coming home from sitting behind a desk all day, just to sit on the couch all night. It's no wonder I'm back to a weight I haven't been at for seven years. I can admit it's my fault. But I haven't taken responsibility for it. I still have fast food breakfasts sometimes - 'oh, it's just this once, I haven't had a McMuffin in a couple weeks, one won't hurt anything' - and I still order pizza when I'm too tired to cook at night. And I still go home to plonk my ass on the couch and curl up into a little ball.

Soccer season has started up again, and now I'm back to working weekends, long long long hours in the sun standing and shouting and constantly moving. It's only been a few months since my last shoot, and yet I'm still sore as hell today after two days of shooting. My leg muscles are complaining, my back is killing me, and my feet think they deserve a vacation. I'm exhausted. But...it's that good kind of exhaustion. I came home Saturday with this intense desire to go out. Go to a club, the beach, a bar, anything to keep moving. Sunday, not so much, but I think that was because the shoot was a hard one this time around. Still, I have that delicious soreness that comes from knowing I earned it. Every aching muscle means I moved, and lived in the moment. I made the choice to get up and get going, and I felt great afterwards. Its actually the number two reason I decided to take the job. So it'd get me up and off the couch on the weekends, moving about and enjoying the sun. Probably one of the smartest decisions I've made in a while.

Now that my major events for the year have reached a conclusion, it's time for me to start saving money again, and get my expenses back in order. There's things I need to get done (work on the car, the gym membership) and experiences I want to have (that well earned soreness) so I need to buckle down. I need to make the choice and take responsibility for my life. Because that's what it is. My life. My choice. My....everything.

Do you follow what your heart craves?

"What reason weaves, by passion is undone." - Alexander Pope

Weight loss is as much a physical battle as it is a mental battle. Every day that I look in the mirror and see someone I swore I'd never become again is another day that beats me down just that tiny bit more. I get frustrated and want to hit something, throw something, then eat something. Some days are incredibly worse than others, but they all start off on a pretty sour note. I need to keep reminding myself though, that every little bit counts. For every action I take (eating something horribly unhealthy) there's an equal, and sometimes overly intense, reaction (gaining five pounds off a ice cream bar, for example ^_^). Sure, I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, if I'm willing to put in a couple hours a day at the gym. Sadly, I haven't quite gotten that far yet.

For some time now I've been getting emails from SparkPeople.com and haven't really been paying attention to them. Its been nothing but fresh healthy recipes and new exercise moves and tips on how to maintain a healthy lifestyle. And what have I done? Shunted them all into a separate folder inside my yahoo account, and quietly told myself "I'll get to them later." Hah.

I noticed one of the emails I get all the time is their Healthy Reflections emails. Questions to ask oneself about why, and how, and when, to lose weight. So I thought, why not, and opened the email. Which is how I ended up here, writing this blog.

I love to write. And SparkPeople.com has provided me a challenge to fulfill that love. Even better? It's about self improvement, mental accomplishment and encouragement. Today's topic? Do you follow what your heart craves?

Simple answer? No. I don't.

Not so simple answer? I want to. But I'm not even all that entirely positive what my heart craves. Kinda hard to follow something you don't know you want. So, I'll label this blog PART ONE, and begin to list what my heart craves. And as I slowly begin to check them off, it'll be all new blogs. Yay! More writing! *insert shit eating grin here*

What my heart craves:
Children
A home. Not a house, but an actual home, where I know I'll live until the day I die.
To look in the mirror and be happy with what I see, no matter what it is.
Publish a novel
Live in Ireland for a year...hell, live all over Europe for a year at a time!
Learn Korean
Achieve my Associates. Then my Bachelors.
Own a horse
Be able to run for twenty minutes and not feel like I am going to pass out.
Experience passion that shatters everything around me.
Go out to a LA club and dance the night away.

There's the start to my list...what would you have on yours?

Crap...forgot something

Tuesday, after talking my dad's ear off the night before, he sent me an email. It was scarily appropriate, the Thought of the Day:

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do." - Bruce Lee

And he reminded me of the quote I use in my email signature:

"Seek, above all, for a game worth playing. And, having found the game, play it with intensity. Play as if your life and sanity depended on it. They do depend on it! And if life does not seem to offer you a game worth playing, invent one! - Robert deRopp, The Master Game.

The path I walk down...it's a pretty powerful one. And I'm going to 'apply' and 'do' it to the end. ^_^

Assessment Tests? What Assessment Tests?

I'm a little stunned at how badly I freaked out over the assessment tests. After visiting the campus on Sunday, I was feeling pretty confident that I'd be comfortable at COC. Some time between getting in the car on Sunday, though, and arriving at work Monday morning, I began the melt down that would eventually lead to a half hour long phone call with my dad, and an entire night spent trying to calm myself down without making it horrifically obvious. I had already anticipated the minor queasiness that comes with doing something I'm not feeling too safe with (its a natural reaction I'm learning to adjust to, sadly? gladly?) but the sheer panic as the day came to a close and the testing time crept closer and closer completely caught me off guard.

I had no clue where the actual assessment room would be. I'd hoped that in my perusal of the campus on Sunday, I'd find the room, but no such luck. So I knew the next day I'd have to call Admissions, and ask some questions. Not such a big deal, right? Right...

I spent all day Monday avoiding the COC website like it had Bubonic plague. It's freaking bookmarked in Firefox (!!!) and I still couldn't bring myself to pull up the Admissions number and dial the phone. I'd already warned my boyfriend ahead of time that I'd be late, I'd brought snacks to eat right before I left so I didn't get distracted...I was prepared. Apparently, 'prepared' and 'ready' are two completely different concepts.

Finally, two minutes to four, I pulled up the website, only to find out that the room was listed on the actual assessment page, and...wait for it...I mixed up the damn days. I thought they were open until 6 on Mondays and Wednesdays, when it turns out they close at 4 on Mondays, and stay open late Tuesday instead. All that damn panicking, only to find out I couldn't even take the damn test. Oi!

So I called my dad on the way home...the conversation went something along the lines of: I'm an idiot, why can't I do this, what's wrong with me, I'm scared. He proceeded to tell me to calm the eff down, and ask myself what's really behind this melt down. Truthfully? I am scared. Not of the tests. Those are/were a breeze (highest placement possible in English, semi decent placement in math, absolutely no surprise on either one) and I knew that. The whole walking onto a campus and into a room with a bunch of strangers, to take a test that I should of taken when I was 18 did cause me a minor stir, I'll admit. But what really had me twitching was the fact that I was committing to a path that will eventually (read: hopefully) lead me down a life changing path. It's the commencement of a two year plan to completely change my life, whether or not the people around me understand/agree/come with. And that, right there, is what's got me freaking out.

It's so much easier to sit and go with the flow. To let life, when it's pretty damn decent, just keep on trucking, without much turbulence. I have a safe, secure place to call home. I have friends who love and care for me. I have activities outside of work that keep me semi occupied. I have money saved in the bank, a reliable car. An amazing boyfriend. Family that check up on me. I think, in a way, this is harder than when I separated from my ex, because that was a clear, precise choice. With my ex, things were painful, I was hurting, and I knew I had to make a change so I'd stop hurting. The grass, in this case, was definitely greener on the other side. This is a much more murky decision though. Life is by no means bad or difficult or unhappy. It's also not stellar. And I want stellar. Bad. So, I take the classes to get me to the life changing decision, that leads me to the stellar option, which puts me in a place I've always wanted to be. Down side? What if the people around me who currently share my life, don't want to share the ride? Am I really ready to gamble the happy life for the potentially awesome life? Will it even be awesome, if the people that make this life happy, aren't there to share in the awesomeness?

That's what's got me so scared. I can handle the classes. I can handle being 28 in a sea of 18 year olds working my way through classes I should of taken ten years ago. What I'm struggling to handle is the knowledge that what I'm doing could lead me down a path where someone's going to get hurt. And it's the worst feeling in the world, knowing that what you're doing for yourself, could hurt someone else.

Of school tests and tearful stories...

When I was a child, I loved the idea of being an environmentalist. I was always getting pamphlets in the mail, and reading books about saving trees and helping dolphins. I wrote letters to Congress, and my Senator, and the President. I think, somewhere hidden away in a box, there's a fat manila envelope stuffed to the point of tearing, with all my old papers in it.

In college I sort of became more aware of just how large the problems were, and how little I was doing to help. It slowly but steadily faded from my perspective, and I stopped writing letters, and stopped following the programs and progress and problems. I had hoped one day to join Greenpeace, and travel and help, do missionary work to some degree, but I don't think I was ever really truly committed to it. It's still something I'd like to do some day, but not something I think I'll ever actually pull off.

When I moved back home, I applied and was accepted to the Big Brothers, Big Sisters program. I waited six months for a placement, but there weren't any candidates, and the photography job I'd accepted took up all my free time. I was forced to withdraw, and I've regretted that I wasn't able to help. I've considered volunteering in a local animal shelter, but my work with puppies while in college has forced me to admit that I couldn't handle the "bad" days. You don't want to know what the "bad" days are.

I peruse the Yahoo stories every day, and an article about a soldier bringing his puppy home caught my attention. It's led me down a road I wasn't expecting. There's a group of people who work with soldiers to rescue the dogs that become their lifeline while fighting in the Middle East. I've read a couple stories, seen peoples' reactions, and it makes me cry. It makes me ache inside that there is that kind of cruelty out there, and it makes me warm that there's an equal, and greater, amount of kindness out there. Yes, I realize we have problems here in the States. Yes, I realize there are all kinds of cases that need attention, people hurting, people suffering. But I've chosen to join this particular fight. I hope, at some point, to aid in the effort to bring awareness to this cause, and hope that my efforts help bring some measure of comfort to both the dogs, and more so, the soldiers, who come home. If somehow, you come across this post and want to know more, or help too, the website I'm speaking of is http://www.nowzad.com

It seems like maybe I'm on a mission to change. I went this weekend to the campus I hope to attend in the fall, and walked around for a while. It's a gorgeous campus, and I think I'll be content there. Maybe not happy, and I certainly wont blend in (being 28 while everyone else is younger than 22 tends to make a girl stand out) but I think I'll at least be comfortable enough to want to attend. Beyond being comfortable though, is the sincere desire to finally get off my ass. I'm going today after work to take my assessment tests, and then I'll register for classes for the Fall semester. Hopefully in two years (probably three, but hell, I'll aim for two) I'll be done with an AA, and be on my way to changing my life for the better. I'm going to start researching what I want to do with my life once the AA has been achieved, sort of a...kick me in the ass when I'm lagging incentive. If I have something to work toward, I'll be much more liable to get it done. That, and I miss being a nerd ^_^

I both need, and want, a better life. I both need, and want, the life I dreamed up when I was a child. I want to be able to help people, make a difference, contribute so that my children, or the children of my friends, have a world to live in that's beautiful. I'm capable of amazing things. It's time I started utilizing those skills.