Negativity, oh how I've missed thee...

Today is plagued with nothing but negative thoughts. Questions about my future, my past, my present. All the things I'm not happy with are standing out like someone took a neon yellow highlighter to my life. It's a little scary how much yellow there is, and how little white. I'm not entirely certain I know what brought about this downward spiral, but I do know it's not any fun. I'm feeling...failure. At a whole slew of things. Embarrassment at where I'm at in life. Honestly, I feel somewhat like a broken record, simply because I'm pretty sure I've written this before. Maybe not these exact words, although I wouldn't be surprised, but definitely this same overtone. A general sense of unhappiness, followed by a morbid lack of motivation coupled with a sizable dose of guilt.

Last night while trying to go to sleep I pinned down a specific complaint about my current life that sort of caught me by surprise. And I spent the weekend surrounded by a lifestyle that I'll never emulate (for a variety of different reasons, not all bad) and had a couple rude awakenings. I've been reading more and more lately, and I think maybe it's all piling up to such a degree, that I am starting to freak out. I keep saying, wait til next month, or when I have time, or maybe later. At what point am I going to get so fed up with myself, that next month will turn into now? And, scariest of all, at what point do I decide if I'm on the right path, in all aspects of my life? Cause right now? Yeah...not so sure about that one. Damnit.

Writing, Part I

I have always been better with the written word than I have with the spoken flow. I can type out a ten page document in a day, full of bullshit and rhyme, but ask me to speak in front of a crowd and I turn ghost white. It's kind of sad. I'm still on the fence on whether or not I want to try and fix that little hiccup in my personality.

Writing has always been, and always will be, my medium for expression. It usually turns prolific when I'm emotionally in a negative place. Whether I'm angry, or sad, or depressed, writing's always been my outlet for those not so happy feelings. I tend to pick a subject that best describes what I'm struggling with, and then build a story line around it that satisfies me until I'm not quite so unhappy. I usually end up feeling much much better when I'm done. Only problem with that is I get knee deep in a story, and can't make it past the waist. I have countless story fragments, just laying around, begging me to pick them up and finish them. You don't want to see my documents folder. It's embarrassing.

I've decided to make it a goal to finish one of my posted stories this year. This isn't to say I wont post something else in between. Just...I need to finish something. Just one of the stories I've already posted, that has chapters and followers and reviews and an eventual end that's most likely already been written. Someday I'd like actually be a published author. Kind of hard to get there though, when you don't finish the flow. So, this is my one tiny step toward being published. Finish a damn story, this year!