Today is plagued with nothing but negative thoughts. Questions about my future, my past, my present. All the things I'm not happy with are standing out like someone took a neon yellow highlighter to my life. It's a little scary how much yellow there is, and how little white. I'm not entirely certain I know what brought about this downward spiral, but I do know it's not any fun. I'm feeling...failure. At a whole slew of things. Embarrassment at where I'm at in life. Honestly, I feel somewhat like a broken record, simply because I'm pretty sure I've written this before. Maybe not these exact words, although I wouldn't be surprised, but definitely this same overtone. A general sense of unhappiness, followed by a morbid lack of motivation coupled with a sizable dose of guilt.
Last night while trying to go to sleep I pinned down a specific complaint about my current life that sort of caught me by surprise. And I spent the weekend surrounded by a lifestyle that I'll never emulate (for a variety of different reasons, not all bad) and had a couple rude awakenings. I've been reading more and more lately, and I think maybe it's all piling up to such a degree, that I am starting to freak out. I keep saying, wait til next month, or when I have time, or maybe later. At what point am I going to get so fed up with myself, that next month will turn into now? And, scariest of all, at what point do I decide if I'm on the right path, in all aspects of my life? Cause right now? Yeah...not so sure about that one. Damnit.
1 comment:
Yep! My husband just made me swear off Pessimism for 6 months! Let's see if I can do that! Sometimes I think these "depressing" times are the times that you can have some interesting self discovery. Write! You just said that writing is your medium, so write away while you are feeling this way and you will find your way! You are doing a great job being you. Don't doubt where you are or what you are doing... just live your life in a way that makes you happy!!
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