Assessment Tests? What Assessment Tests?

I'm a little stunned at how badly I freaked out over the assessment tests. After visiting the campus on Sunday, I was feeling pretty confident that I'd be comfortable at COC. Some time between getting in the car on Sunday, though, and arriving at work Monday morning, I began the melt down that would eventually lead to a half hour long phone call with my dad, and an entire night spent trying to calm myself down without making it horrifically obvious. I had already anticipated the minor queasiness that comes with doing something I'm not feeling too safe with (its a natural reaction I'm learning to adjust to, sadly? gladly?) but the sheer panic as the day came to a close and the testing time crept closer and closer completely caught me off guard.

I had no clue where the actual assessment room would be. I'd hoped that in my perusal of the campus on Sunday, I'd find the room, but no such luck. So I knew the next day I'd have to call Admissions, and ask some questions. Not such a big deal, right? Right...

I spent all day Monday avoiding the COC website like it had Bubonic plague. It's freaking bookmarked in Firefox (!!!) and I still couldn't bring myself to pull up the Admissions number and dial the phone. I'd already warned my boyfriend ahead of time that I'd be late, I'd brought snacks to eat right before I left so I didn't get distracted...I was prepared. Apparently, 'prepared' and 'ready' are two completely different concepts.

Finally, two minutes to four, I pulled up the website, only to find out that the room was listed on the actual assessment page, and...wait for it...I mixed up the damn days. I thought they were open until 6 on Mondays and Wednesdays, when it turns out they close at 4 on Mondays, and stay open late Tuesday instead. All that damn panicking, only to find out I couldn't even take the damn test. Oi!

So I called my dad on the way home...the conversation went something along the lines of: I'm an idiot, why can't I do this, what's wrong with me, I'm scared. He proceeded to tell me to calm the eff down, and ask myself what's really behind this melt down. Truthfully? I am scared. Not of the tests. Those are/were a breeze (highest placement possible in English, semi decent placement in math, absolutely no surprise on either one) and I knew that. The whole walking onto a campus and into a room with a bunch of strangers, to take a test that I should of taken when I was 18 did cause me a minor stir, I'll admit. But what really had me twitching was the fact that I was committing to a path that will eventually (read: hopefully) lead me down a life changing path. It's the commencement of a two year plan to completely change my life, whether or not the people around me understand/agree/come with. And that, right there, is what's got me freaking out.

It's so much easier to sit and go with the flow. To let life, when it's pretty damn decent, just keep on trucking, without much turbulence. I have a safe, secure place to call home. I have friends who love and care for me. I have activities outside of work that keep me semi occupied. I have money saved in the bank, a reliable car. An amazing boyfriend. Family that check up on me. I think, in a way, this is harder than when I separated from my ex, because that was a clear, precise choice. With my ex, things were painful, I was hurting, and I knew I had to make a change so I'd stop hurting. The grass, in this case, was definitely greener on the other side. This is a much more murky decision though. Life is by no means bad or difficult or unhappy. It's also not stellar. And I want stellar. Bad. So, I take the classes to get me to the life changing decision, that leads me to the stellar option, which puts me in a place I've always wanted to be. Down side? What if the people around me who currently share my life, don't want to share the ride? Am I really ready to gamble the happy life for the potentially awesome life? Will it even be awesome, if the people that make this life happy, aren't there to share in the awesomeness?

That's what's got me so scared. I can handle the classes. I can handle being 28 in a sea of 18 year olds working my way through classes I should of taken ten years ago. What I'm struggling to handle is the knowledge that what I'm doing could lead me down a path where someone's going to get hurt. And it's the worst feeling in the world, knowing that what you're doing for yourself, could hurt someone else.