Today marks exactly the one week countdown to Maintenance, and being able to eat normal portion sizes. I'm four days away from going drop free, and based on how hungry I already am, I can only imagine those remaining three days are going to be pretty tough. I'll definitely be looking forward to the Saturday M1 meal :)
Today sees me down a little over a pound, which is a reassuring measurement when I've been slowing down lately. I can look in the mirror, and while I don't see an extreme weight loss, I do see a slimming all over. It's been kinda nice, heh.
With all that though, comes another emotional onslaught I wasn't expecting. I guess, when doing something for the first time, everything's sort of unexpected :-/
With only four days of drops left, and a decrease in the daily weight lost, I'm finding myself feeling more and more guilty about the foods I'm eating, and the daily household chores I'm doing. I almost feel like the slow crawl of weight loss is my fault, like I'm doing something wrong and have therefore cheated in some way. There's such a stressor on not cheating, and ensuring 21 cheat free days, that I feel the shadow of the demon hovering over my shoulder these last few days. Did you wear gloves when you washed the dishes? Did you taste BF's tuna salad when you mixed up the ingredients? Did you cheat, and eat a piece of candy?
I can successfully answer a resounding NO to all these questions, and while I should be proud of that fact, I'm more so regretting the loss of all these items instead of relishing in the self control. The coming months, and ultimately, years, are going to be a supreme study in long term self control, and I have to switch my natural thinking from a negative - Oh damn, I can't have that - to a more positive - I can have that, but only one, and it'll be my cheat for the week - outlook. Otherwise, I'm just setting myself up to fail.
Every time I cook my meal, or season it with spices, or eat a piece of fruit, it's like guilt slithers its way up my spine, into my head and just sort of nestles there. You know you shouldn't eat that, you're still five pounds away from your goal for this round and every piece of fruit you can skip could mean the difference...It's insidious, these thoughts that cloud my mind. When I first started feeling guilty, it was over portion sizes and having doubts over their proper size. I was feeling gleeful in the - for VLCD - large serving sizes. Now, I feel remorse over the portions, and feel reluctant to eat them, despite the incessant hunger that gnaws at me.
Tomorrow will be my first baseball shoot of the season, and I have to wake up at 5:15. I wont be done with my day until probably close to five pm, which will mean a twelve hour shift of fairly moderate activity. Like I said earlier, this is pretty common, and won't be a problem in Maintenance, but poses a particular challenge in VLCD. We'll see how it goes. I'll be eating chicken with lettuce and my mustard/red hot dressing, with an apple and melba so I can pack in as many calories as possible. Hopefully, between the water and the lunch, I'll make it to dinner time and be okay. Once I make it through tomorrow, I'll be free and clear into Maintenance, which I am extremely grateful for.
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